Preparing myself!
This is a bit that's hard to write as it is not referring to moving forward, rather it is a retrospective (not something that I particularly want to do), but puts into perspective for me some of the reasons why....
I wrote earlier about the "I've gotta do something about this" move… Well, that move was not all about moving positively forward.
What does one do when one is faced with ones mortality?
Voltaire said, ”The human species is alone in knowing it has to die” but as much as we know that we all die, it is “a bit” confronting when there is a realisation that if the status quo remains, you will have already lived a great percentage of your life.
This recognition, for me, brought a shift in the focus of life. This recognition caused a reorganisation of basic habits and thoughts. This is a time when I tried to ensure things were sorted out. F and I had not done our wills for years, we sorted those out pretty easily. We spoke on organ donations and funeral wishes. Not in any macabre way, rather in “a just in case” mode.
I made a conscious effort to resolve some long-standing issues I had with people. I started to feel very comfortable with who I was, what I had to offer, and to some degree, I thought about, for the first time ever, what people would say after I was gone.
I tried not to leave home on an angry or upset note. I tell F that I love her regularly. I try to resolve issues quickly with her when we had an argument, and just not let anything really bother me on a personal level, particularly if it is outside of my sphere of influence.. I am so much more protective of F, and may the heavens help anyone who hurt her. I don’t know why I said that, but the defence of F seems so much more intense and important. (Having said that, I pity anyone who takes her on in a negative fashion, me included!!!)
Some of this new demeanour comes out of putting the coping strategies in place after a bout of anxiety and depression, but this was different. Subconsciously, and not in any overt way, I was preparing to die.
When I say that, it was not in a form of depression or suicidal contemplation, rather, just setting things right. In fact, since that time, I have become at peace with who I am, with my relationship with F, my relationship with friends and colleagues, and ultimately as corny as it sounds, at peace with my “spiritualty”.
Work colleagues have notice a change in the last couple of years… Something is different!
This is not to say that I won’t pull on a fight if I need to from a Union front, or when I have to politically or at work. Actually, I feel more able to do that due to my demeanour changing.
Hey, I still get annoyed, pissed off, and the rest of the emotions that we all feel, but I have noticed that I don’t tend to let things get to me as much for more that a day or so.
Samir and Zany in Morocco have taken to using the local vernacular and use the word “inshallah”. It translates roughly as... 'If Allah wills it'. It is a marvellously useful term of complete fatalism and one which has no direct English equivalent. The nearest thing would be '...but on the other hand I might get hit by a number 153 bus tomorrow'
For me, it is really about the acceptance of things, but not necessarily in a static manner, as I will work to see improvement.
More in the next day or so, inshallah!
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